ETHICS

"There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings given to us to learn from. "

- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

So you made what you perceived to be a mistake, you eventually forgave yourself, made amends, and released the situation from your mind. You will still be left with one lingering lesson: the importance of ethics. Morality is conforming to the established standards of right and wrong that have been set by the society in which you live. But ethical codes are not universal. There is no one set of guidelines that works for everyone around the world, since what we may consider morally wrong in one culture might be acceptable in another. For some, ethics are defined by religious laws. For others, moral codes arise from lessons learned in school or from parents. Most people in our culture were raised with the Golden Rule, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

At its most basic, ethics involves choosing right or good behavior in your relationships with others. You are constantly strengthening your ability to choose between right or wrong. While we have basic ethics instilled in us and know what is right  and what is wrong in our hearts, life throws many situations at us where what is right is not always apparent. Life is complicated and full of gray areas. Each and every situation you find yourself in forces you to choose between the two. For example, when you were in school you may have questioned whether it was right or wrong to let your friend cheat off you on a test. Your friend may have been unprepared for the test because she was having troubles at home. You knew it was wrong to let her cheat but if you didn't , she would have failed the test and had even more problems to deal with.

When your external actions reflect your internal code, you are in alignment with your morality. This is how an individual gains integrity. Integrity is important because without it you are living with a sense of division within yourself; you feel incomplete and conflicted.

You will know when you are not acting in alignment with your moral code, because your conscience will remind you of the difference between what is ethically right and how you actually behaved.

You will most likely experience feelings of guilt or remorse that will serve as a clue to you that the lesson of ethics needs to be learned. Whether or not you are discovered and punished for wrong behavior does not matter. You will instinctually know that you behaved wrongly. You may have only yourself to answer to, but isn't your conscience a powerful teacher, if you listen to it?

Antonio dearly loved his wife Cynthia. He was a devoted husband, and their life was truly blessed with harmony and compatibility.

One weekend, while they were away at a wedding for some close friends, something happened that threatened their idyllic life. Antonio found himself lusting after Cynthia's friend Vivian, and, unable to contain his attraction, leaned over and kissed Vivian while the two were alone in the elevator in the hotel. Vivian returned his kiss, and they stood there, pressed up against the wall with their arms around each other for several moments. Then, suddenly, as if cold water were thrown on him, Antonio abruptly came to his senses, pulled away, and exclaimed, "What am I doing? I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I have always been attracted to you, but this isn't right. I'm very sorry." Without hesitation, they agreed to dismiss the encounter as if it never happened. They exited the elevator and went back to their respective rooms.

Antonio was devastated. How could he have done such a thing, he wondered to himself. He knew he loved Cynthia more than anything in the world, and he was horrified by his actions. Riddled with shame and self-disgust, Antonio spent the rest of the weekend stewing.

Sunday night, in the airport, as they waited for their plane home, Antonio was still tormented by guilt. The internal schism he had created between his ethics and his actions plagued and his conscience, and he could not look at his beloved wife in the eye. He finally decided to confess to her, knowing that although the truth could destroy his marriage and radically alter his entire life, he needed to be honest with Cynthia. After telling her what had happened, he apologized profusely for his behavior and begged for her forgiveness.

Cynthia was shocked, hurt, and angry. After taking some time to sort out her feelings, however, she was able to find the forgiveness in her heart to release the event and absolve Antonio of his transgression. They were both relieved that their relationship had a solid enough foundation to withstand this test.

Although Cynthia's forgiveness made Antonio's heart ache a little less, he still needed to live with the internal repercussions of his lack of integrity. He had violated his own ethics, and even though he made amends for the wrong he had caused, he would eventually need to forgive himself so that the gap between his ethics and his actions could close and he could be free from his shame and guilt. Over time, Antonio did, in fact, release the guilt, but the memory of how horrible he felt that night in the airport stayed to remind him to not stray again from his own ethics.